First, I hate the holidays. As a kid, the abuse my sister and I suffered was often worse during any of these times. I’ll really never understand why holidays are so stressful. But I don’t often get invited to holiday parties.
So for someone like me who has very few attachments, one of which just boarded a train to San Diego, holidays suck. Not only are we left with nothing to do, nothing good on TV, and no friends to chill with, but we’re also rather obligated to pretend that we actually like days like these.
Let’s get past the obligatory reminder that the white man came in and wiped out an entire nation of people. If anyone really cared about it, we would probably have come up with a different holiday by now, or made reparations. And it’s not like it’s all bad for the First Nations: they get a virtual duopoly on casinos with Donald Trump, and some offensive professional sports teams.
Thanksgiving is an unpaid day off for a lot of folks. While holiday wage laws differ from state to state, and companies typically have their own policies to comply with those laws, often times taking Thanksgiving off means that you are simply deprived of income. Not only for that day, but the day before Thanksgiving can often be one of the slowest days of the year. Or the busiest, if everyone traveling to family members out of town happen to pass by your establishment.
Many places are closed for Thanksgiving, and justifiably so: people really should be at home tending to their families. However, the few places that are open, such as the Del Taco that I’m currently typing this from, can see an uptick in business due to lack of competition during the day. I suppose the holiday pay will make up for it.
I mean, even the gym is closed. You can’t even work off all of the food you eat, thereby ruining the health of America one bite at a time.
Then you have to deal with the angry mobs starting tonight at any store you go to. Black Friday shoppers think that punching each other out to save three bucks on a coffee maker is a good time, and I’m not on board with that. I would rather sleep than get in a physical altercation with someone over a sale. CYBER MONDAY INVOLVES NO ACTS OF VIOLENCE! Except for the occasional uprising in the sweat shops where this shit is made.
I mean, who can forget the little girl getting a box taken from her? (warning: this may be fake, but I’m too lazy to research it)
And in between the travel, everything being closed, and a melee at the local Walmart? Turkey! The thing that no one ever wants to eat but one day a year. You can spend all day preparing your own, buy a precooked one, or just go to an open buffet and pig out on that. But what about ham? No one has fucking Thanksgiving ham? I know one Jewish family in South Carolina who does (they don’t eat kosher). Why can’t we have a choice? Turkey or ham? Do we really associate ham with another holiday the way we associate turkeys with Thanksgiving?
Then there’s the environmental impact of everything involved. All of the traveling encourages gas consumption, thereby polluting our environment with toxic gases. Most of the packaging from the Black Friday sales are likely not recycled, thereby filling up our landfills. And what about all the leftovers? Think about the environmental toll of raising the turkeys, farming the almonds you for whatever reason sprinkled on the green beans, or even all of the animals who will be attracted to your sweet leftover food once it reaches the dump because you’re too lazy to compost.
And then a lot of you have to deal with family during all of this. Now, I don’t, because I’m awesome. But for the majority of Americans, you’re anxiously awaiting your turn to tell everyone at the dinner table how you were right about Donald Trump, even though you spent the last two years saying it was impossible. Do any of you really want to have that awkward conversation? And you’re just gonna have to come back in a month for Christmas, anyway. At least then you get the presents purchased today and tomorrow. Why not just skip this day and reduce the amount of unrewarding condensed time you have to spend with obnoxious loved ones?
To recap: because of Thanksgiving, you are often unpaid, unable to go to your preferred businesses, placing people in worse health, physically attacked due to huge savings, forced to eat a flavorless bird, ruining the environment, and have to deal with people you spend most of the year trying to avoid. Did I forget anything? Oh, yeah. NATIVE AMERICANS HATE YOU!
So I encourage you, then American people, to stop celebrating this ridiculous holiday and get your shit together.