My fellow Americans:
Today is a sad day for America. No matter your political philosophy, the election results were ultimately dissatisfying for most voters. For those of you who placed their trust in me by writing in “John Wolf Cock Sucker” for president, you will always have been a part of a historic electoral process. Instead of choosing hate or criminality, you sided with love. Even though my name will always be a part of American history with the label of “cock sucker”, I feel we have made great strides as a people that we can finally include such sexually vulgar language on a ballot for the most important presidential election of our lifetimes. You have your priorities straight.
So in short, to all Americans, John Wolf Cock Sucker is hereby conceding the race for president of the United States. Instead, I would like to throw all of the votes I received to Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton. I believe I’m allowed to do that, yes? And the number of ballots cast for me should well compensate for her losses. Then Trump won’t be president, right? RIGHT?!
Please just make this end.