There is something great about being first, right? Like democracy.
You’re going to read a lot of bullshit from me in the coming months. Or I will write the bullshit, and I will assume you’re reading it. Which is presumptuous of me, but this is my show.
Sometimes we’ll talk about politics. Let’s just say that Donald Trump may try to sue me.
Other times, we’ll talk about anything else. I may sit here and talk about my favorite potato chip. Or how Dan Quayle can’t spell it. Of course, I’m not entirely sure I spelled it right, myself. Or his name for that matter.
I will be silly. Obnoxious. Serious. Other single word sentences.
Please know that I’m a fat guy who lives in a van down by the river. That last part is pretty accurate.
I’m actually going to watch that video now.
A little bit of background on me can be found on my About page. I’m too lazy to link it right there. Read that first, though. And be thoroughly inconvenienced by having to come back to right here. Nah, I’m not gonna do that. But seriously, do.
My grandfather died last year. Whatever little mental balance I had went out the window when that happened. My childhood was made of nightmares, and he was maybe the sole source of comfort I had growing up. I subsequently changed jobs and decided that life was too short to live in a piss box like South Carolina. So I took the train L.A. and have decided to stay for awhile. Maybe permanently. Which is saying something, because I’ve seriously lived everywhere.
I came to California in search of long lost relatives and to try and build a unique life for myself. I came out here with $10,000. Apparently that money does not go far these days. Quite disappointing. At least I got a Jetta out of it.
Now I am becoming acclimated to the area. Hell, I even had dental work done. I feel like I’m home. Except for the fucking traffic. I hate you, traffic.
To anyone who doesn’t know this, there is no good reason you should ever take the 405. Unless you want to sit in the hot sun all day. If you like that kind of thing, then you’re a fucking moron, but definitely in the right place.
So I have a cousin. I don’t remember ever knowing her before, but she remembers me as a young kid. She seems like a pretty awesome person. I once told her that it felt like I was still trying to get to know her, but feel like I always have. The nice thing is that I can be myself around her, mostly. And she’s down for some Costco. For reasons that don’t concern you, I won’t really be talking about her on this blog. But everyone deserves a shout out.
I have a friend who is pretty weird. I will refer to him as Jared. Mostly because he looks like Jared Fogle and it’s my blog. We have had some laughs throughout the years, and I would be in a much worse place in life if it were not for him. In many ways, he is like a brother to me. We’ll talk about him quite a bit.
I have an estranged wife. We separated in 2014 and only recently have said anything to each other since. Her health is very poor. But I suppose lupus will do that. Fuck you, Dr. House. In all seriousness, she may die soon. So, because I promise not to paint her in a grossly overstated negative light, and because it’s a matter of public record, I will use her name. Carol may even get to read this blog if I ever remember to send her the link.
There may be other people that I talk about. But those will be the main three that I interact with. Now you have a sense of who people are. Or you should. Because you’ll be an idiot if you haven’t figured it out by now.
God, you’re an idiot, aren’t you?
So that’s the blog. I’ll talk about my life and interests. I believe that I offer a unique perspective to life. And that’s bullshit, really, because everyone’s perspectives are unique. Why is mine the important one?
That’s what’s unfair. I get to expose my soul to you, and I don’t even know who you fucking people are. You’re the peeping Toms of the blog world. Comment and say shit.